Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
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I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
fixed it
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.