a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Terribly Tuesday.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”