[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
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a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
My background check bounced.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.