Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
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Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate