CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
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On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?