I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
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Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders