Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
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*bounce*
*dabs*
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*dabs*
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*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
fourth time’s the charm
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.