I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
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only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I like long walks away from everyone