Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
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Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
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