I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Greeting humans vs their dogs
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
a lot to unpack here
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back