good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
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Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Geez man, take it easy.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will