I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy