me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”