daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
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Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
channeling her this year
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Google assistant rules
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
me after eating Cheetos
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said