Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.