[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.