My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
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Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)