Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
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Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER