Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
From Facebook just now…
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
an airline just for babies.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
😅😅😅
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Florida man
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons