I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
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Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Ron is short for Aaronald
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
translated into Canadian
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.