horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw