[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
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I’m giving up ice.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
True
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?