I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
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I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?