Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
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Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”