Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
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Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
How to make infinite energy.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.