break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
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Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?