I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
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I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The booster protects against what, now?
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?