There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
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Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
one of
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would