[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.