[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My brain is a bad influence on me
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now