Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
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Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.