‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
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These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!