Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
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Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
new career option?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.