My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
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My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE