Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
This could be us… but you playing
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*