it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?