Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
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I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Guys, I found it.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.