So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.