Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
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[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Noah
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
*limbos under the caution tape
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?