I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
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Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please