[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha