I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Growing up was a huge mistake
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in