If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.