Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
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In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,