I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
You Might Also Like
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.