[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
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When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!