Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first