My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
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I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.