When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
When you let grandma cat sit
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what