God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.